Apple Matters has compiled the Top Ten Outrageous News Stories for 2006, a sort of forecast of what is going to happen (if hell freezes over). The writer of the article, whose wit is going to have to be appreciated for his stark and off-the-wall predictions, is an enjoyable read to all the doom-and-gloom news that Apple has had to contend with recently.

His predictions are both crazy and funny, though I wouldn't be surprised to learn as the year progresses that: the next iPod is so small it can get stuck in a few well-known human orifices and a suit will be brought against Apple for proper renumeration for the traumatic event.

Here's another one: Half a dozen viruses and security holes will be found in OS X. Only they arenÂ?t real viruses. Ok, maybe they are just worms. Or hacks. Well, really itÂ?s just a rootkit. I mean, a proof of a rootkit. Er, a rumor about a proof of a rootkit. That could be bad. Maybe. If you gave a complete stranger an account on your computer. And you were a moron.

Do yourself a favor and have a laugh.

Fight Club fans, our time is here!  OpenSoft offers a fun little application that gives you some Fight Club goodness randomly throughout your day.  "Ten Seconds with Tyler Durden" runs in the background on your system.  Now and then, Tyler appears, floating over your desktop with a quote from Fight Club. 

Since the application runs in the background, you either have to quit it with a kill command in the terminal, or the Activity Monitor.  Or you get a chance for the ten seconds it's up with a quote, to click the little 'x' and close it down.

Yes, it's utterly pointless, but you get a little chuckle in the middle of your day.  It breaks things up a bit and I like that.

So, what happens when you do a stand up comedy skit at the Apple campus, that is hosted by Apple's VP? Well, if you are an Apple employee and don't pay attention to what you say, you get fired. Just check this guys act out. He was fired directly after this skit.

I'm not huge on decorative skins and what-not for my iPod - I prefer the Invisible Shield.  The Invisible Shield is clear, tough as nails, and allows me to be pretty careless with my iPod (though I'm pretty anal retentive and treat it carefully anyway) during normal use. 

But if you're into decals and other decorative covers for your iPod, then this sticker for the iPod Shuffle is pretty cool.  I've spent enough time commuting on the train to know that people don't always get it when your headphones are on, that you probably don't want to chat.  But perhaps using your Shuffle to display the appropriate message will help keep people at bay - or make you some new friends, if that's what you're looking for.

In a role reversal that we donÂ?t often see, this video meme that seems to be making the circuits around the Internet at the moment answers the hypothetical question that no self-respecting Apple lover would dared have asked: What if Microsoft had designed the iPod package?

As funny as this is, doesnÂ?t the thought of it make you shudder?

Download: [Microsoft iPod package Video]

(A discussion at the water cooler a day after the Apple announcements. Two guys talking tech during their lunch break.)

STEVE:
So, um, Jeff, what did you think about the product announcement the other day, the boomboxes and stuff?

JEFF:
Oh, you mean the Apple announcements? Yeah, um, it was pretty weak, man. My bowels pack more punch after three bowls of Post Cereal Raisin Brans. I don't think we need Apple working on cases or speakers, I don't know.

STEVE:
So you didn't like the sound system?

JEFF:
Not as much as I like getting punched 'down there.'

STEVE:
I don't know, man, I'm really digging the case, with the little thingie that makes the iPod pop out and then, BOOM!, it's in there again. I don't think they even have a set number of times you can do that, I think it can go on forever. And, like we all know, forever is a pretty long time. And the speakers, you know it was time we got some speakers made.

JEFF:
Why?

STEVE:
Because Apple is cool. The speakers are white. And they can connect to pretty much any iPod. They hold the iPods well.

JEFF:
So can my grandmother, but you don't see her at any Apple product launch. The simple logic is that, if you're going to try to break into the accessories market with an official Apple product, make it look like you actually still care. Don't give us these stupid little, stupid products with their stupid designs that are just ... what's the word I'm looking for? Oh, yeah, dumb. Where's the passion? Where's the innovation? Where's that competitive spirit that's gotten Apple here?

STEVE:
(Whispering to himself in a voice that grows louder with each word.) Then I shall come back at the next product launch with something even greater: a $300 pair of Apple headphones!

JEFF:
Stephen Paul Jobs! When the f--- are you going to learn? Just give them that touchscreen iPod you're working on. That'll make them happy.

STEVE:
Oh, yeah! I'd forgotten about that ...

In fact, the DVD writer shoots out of the front cover when the modder hits the 'reset' button (totally sweet!), the system boots up when the 'power' button is hit, and the mod retains the white Mac indicator light on the front.

I don't know about Steve Jobs, but I sure wouldn't want to make anyone who looks remotely like Steve Wozniak in this picture mad at me for anything, let alone switching chips to side with the "dark rulers." Apparently the Woz didn't think too much of Apple's decision to switch to Intel chips, looking at it as a traitorous move, or something along those lines.

Woz recently told the Globe and Mail that he is working on untangling his panties from their wad in light of Jobs' decision:
"It's like consorting with the enemy. We've had this long history of saying that the enemy is the big black-hatted guys, and they kind of represent evil," he explained. "All of a sudden we're the same in this hardware regard, so it's a little hard to swallow your words from the past."


So the Woz will make Jobs swallow something a little less savory: Woz's heartbreak.

I'm wondering if Apple's engineers ate a rotten apple to come up with what has to be one of the strangest messages to would-be pirates. If you're the type of person to fiddle with software piracy and one of your goals is running Apple's OS X on an Intel processor but want to get away with stealing, you're going to meet a strange end.

According to Vnunet: A hacker working on porting OS X to non-Mac systems encountered the poem, which has been circulating on Mac forums:

Your karma check for today:

There once was a user that whined
His existing OS was so blind
He'd do better to pirate
An OS that ran great
But found his hardware declined

Please don't steal Mac OS!
Really, that's way uncool

© Apple Computer Inc

A spokesperson for Apple confirmed that the poem (if you even want to call it that) is found when trying to run a pirated version of the OS X software. If only the RIAA did this, then maybe we would grow to love them in their wacky mission to keep everyone from downloading music. I don't know, maybe they can change it up a little bit and do a rap.

You know, there aren't very many cool-looking cases out there for the iPod that make you look twice. As a gift to her boyfriend, cookiedough posted a how-to on making a Domokun-themed cover for the iPod over at craftster.org. The case is sweet.

"Best thing of all is that the navigation wheel of the iPod works through fabric -- hence the monster's belly. When the iPod is playing, the transparent, red vinyl glows a great hot pink."

Sign me up. If you like the design, and you've got a Jo-ann's Fabrics close to you, you know what to do. If anyone calls for me, I'm going to be in the shop making what few men have dared to make before.